Billy Mays as Maine Political Consultant
Said Matt Jacobson, “We want you to help us settle an argument. Who had the best campaign kick-off so far in the race for Governor?” Read More...
Billy Mays as Maine Political Consultant
Posted by Solitary Path
Sat, 07/18/2009 - 6:22pm
The candles were arranged around the circular table and provided the only illumination. Each glanced to the person on their right and left anxiously while stealing glances at the crystal ball in the center.
Suddenly the room was bathed in a blinding light that eminated from that mystic sphere. The light dimmed revealing the ethereal specter they sought floating above the table.
“Hi, I’m Billy Mays!” shouted the blue-garbed ghost. “Why have you disturbed my celestial reward? Do you want to order some Oxi Clean? Your outfit looks like it can really use it. Look at those ugly stains. Oxi Clean will lift away those stains that other detergents left behind!”
“These aren’t stains, they’re orchids,” said Matt Jacobson pointing to his sleeve. “And we want you to help us settle an argument. Who had the best campaign kick-off so far in the race for Governor?”
The huckster of apparitions stared in amazement from one to the other. Bruce Poliquin, Peter Mills, and Paul LePage were nodding in agreement. “Absolutely,” said Steven Rowe. “It’s driving us crazy,” said Les Otten. “We have been arguing for weeks,” agreed Lynne Williams. “That’s right,” said Dawn Hill. Others stood near the edge of the candle glow watching in astonishment at the eerie scene: Bill Diamond, Kevin Raye, Steven Abbott, Peter Vigue, Joshua Tardy and Pat McGowan.
Billy Mays floated around the room and sighed. “I have a date tonight with Farrah Fawcett so let’s make this quick. I’m going to cook up some burgers for her using the “Big City Slider Station”. It’s the easy way to make delicious mini-burgers! In just two minutes you will have five mouth-watering sliders!”
They all begged for his expert opinion- plus it was free.
“Fine,” Billy relented. “Poliquin, you were the first to jump into the race officially but nobody noticed until you rolled out your mobile office. The RV not only put you on the map but moved you all over it. And you look good driving the big rig thanks to “simonize fix it” the fastest scratch remover, that safely removes scratches dings and nicks.”
“Steve Rowe had the most traditional campaign announcement- traditional and boring. You had been running for months so your actual announcement had all the surprise of a glass of water chilling in the refrigerator and your delivery matched it for warmth.”
“The campaign with the most pizzazz out of the gate was easily Otten’s,” the famed pitchman offered. Otten smugly grinned at his adversaries.
“No other candidate got as much ink. Unfortunately, you can only go so far by stealing someone else’s idea- unless you’re Joe Biden. Vince the Shamwow guy stole one of my ideas. “Shamwow” was just a blatant rip off of my “Zorbeez” cloth. He made some money but I got back on the air with a new spot reminding customers that my original “Zorbeez” has the power to absorb up to 27 times greater than paper towels or any cotton cloth. It worked. Zorbeez was once again king. People can spot a fake.”
“Pat McGowan’s was the most captivating,” the bearded banshee bellowed.
“I haven’t made any campaign announcement,” McGowan corrected.
“Oh,” Mays said. “Walking away from a plane crash would have been a spectacular way to show that you can help Mainers walk away from this economic disaster. Or it could show you would do in governing what you did in flying.”
“Jacobson, you are a fantastic pitchman but no one is buying what you’re selling. My product “What Odor?” is guaranteed to remove any odor, including pet odors, urine, and even skunk! Not even “What Odor” can remove your stench.”
“As for Williams and Hill, you are going to be as effective in this race as a housefly. I recommend “Flies-Away”, the fastest, easiest, greenest and most effective way to make flies go away for good.”
“That’s all for now,” Billy Mays said. “Good luck with the race. I have to fly. My angel awaits.”
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