Declaration Of Perpetual Dependence
Original link here but since copyright reverts (and as a nod to Naran) I'm putting the whole thing up...for your consideration.
Declaration of Perpetual Dependence
Written by Bob Higgins
See, I had planned to write what will undoubtedly be heralded as the snarkiest column ever penned since a certain Samuel Clemens shuffled off this mortal coil, but the desire not to mess around with folks' enjoyment of the Fourth of July made me put it off for a few days.
That, and a massive collection of fireworks and free beer.
We've come a long way in this country, but in the desire to be a "progressive" nation, I think we've slipped a few gears on the cogs of common sense. To illustrate that point, I've prepared this document, the "Declaration of Perpetual Dependence" to peruse and argue about at your leisure.
Every good document needs a good opening, so here's what I came up with for that memorable preamble. "We, the people of this country, dissatisfied with our lot in life, seek to obtain the full measure of promise made to us by those we have stupidly elected over the last century. In order to establish our as yet undesigned utopian state, we reserve the right to change our demands at the vaguest change in populist whim."
"We have the right to the best public education everybody's money can buy, even though we have a tendency to sleep through class, skip the assigned reading, test poorly, or otherwise refuse to acknowledge that there was an educational system that worked before we started fiddling with it. We do this based on the logic that all learning and testing is culturally biased anyway."
"We have the right to be covered under our parents' medical insurance until the age of 26, long after they have kicked us out of the house, long after we have returned from our higher educational endeavors."
"We have the right to a 'good job' starting somewhere in middle management where we can enjoy casual Friday. Since minimum wage will not pay for our extended Internet cell phone plan, much less rent or food, the minimum wage should be adjusted 50 percent annually until it equals the average of executive compensation."
"We have the right to grind up, snort, inject or smoke any drug or concoction of chemicals of our choosing for as long as we desire, and upon finding out we have caused our body's permanent debilitating injury, have secured ourselves the right to a lifetime of medical treatment at no cost to us."
"We have the right to build our dwellings on any piece of land, without regard for ownership of said land. We have the right to build on a fault line, on the banks of an annually swelling river, or near a tornado zone, or any other place that amuses us. When disaster strikes, the Federal Government has an obligation to continually bail us out."
"We have the right to invest any money we have in bald-faced nitwittery, pie-in-the-sky plans, Internet hoaxes, corrupt bank executives immoral ponzi schemes, and anything else that promises a 30 percent return on equity without risk. When we have lost our fortunes, Our Government shall step in and bail us out with everybody else's money."
"We have the right, like our brothers in Europe, to attend school until age 21 or so, perhaps do some post graduate work, enter the workforce, and retire on full salary at age 55. It's up to somebody else to figure out how to make the math work, since we were never really good at math anyway."
"We have the right to free internet, demanding an open wireless connection at every public accommodation. We have the right to insist on trade protectionism on goods from overseas, unless Apple makes something really cool that we have to have to survive."
"We have the right to work for a minimum of $10 per hour for our local progressive action network, gathering signatures and checks for campaigns, all the while ignoring the fact that the same organization that needs our assistance with health care legislation doesn't offer coverage."
"We have the right to a high paying job making assorted widgets, even though we oppose our government in its desire to protect those jobs with economic sanctions, as those sanctions take the poverty wage from those in other countries."
"We have the right to free and unlimited energy from renewable wind and solar sources via government funding of said alternative energy projects, unless they happen to be in our backyard. Then they are evil."
For any that think I've just wandered off in a flight of fancy, check out the latest from the "occupy" movement. Over the holiday, they put the finishing touches on their "Declaration of Interdependence."
Here is a tid-bit.
"Accepting the responsibility as authors of our society: we declare our commitment to respect and steward the interdependent web of all existence. We evolve processes and structures for higher awareness and wisdom of our Earth, people and other animals, ecosystems, and the entire universe, now and into the future."
Fear the future, and the "I'm so responsible I'm irresponsible" effect it brings.
Bob Higgins is a regular contributor to The Portland Daily Sun.