joke for today
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A college professor asked his class a question. If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I.
One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor you're 44.."
The Professor said "you're absolutely correct, but tell me how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"
The student said. "You see professor I have a brother, he's 22 and he's half nuts .
charlie
That's going out in me email Charlie.
Ole is the Pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.
One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:
DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
Shakin' his head, Rev. Ole says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."
"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge Out?'"
stories from a ticketing agent in DC.
1.I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle
seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On
an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard
Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of
the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with,
''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts
..''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is
in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa .''
His response -- click..
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a
Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando
. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's
not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very
THIN state!!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it
possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if
he could rent a car in Dallas .. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he
had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas ... When I asked him why he wanted to
rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a
car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed
to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m.,
and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't
understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went
fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put
your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to
whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on
my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very
rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying
laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT
- Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag
on his luggage..
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip
package to Hawaii .. After going over all the cost info, she asked,
''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii
?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from
Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my
flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10 Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola ,
Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11 Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents
she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about
passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've
been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her
this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they
have accepted my American Express!''
12 A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I
want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name
of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up
every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check
your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't
mean Buffalo , do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!
Could ANYONE be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.
As a joke for the day, it's pretty funny.
As far as facts go... well, it's not true.
Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife would say, "And what's that supposed to mean?"
Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.
Eagle I'm not convinced of anything in Snopes anymore since I learned of the political bent of the owners/operators.
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never ever comes back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So... where does he go when he leaves here?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
'He's going over to your house...'
A little boy is in the bathtub and he looks down at his privates and says " mommy are those my brains?" and she says "not yet dear".
True story
I once saw an Uncle Henry's add that said;
"2010 Encyclopedia Britannica full set for sale.
Brand new, hardly used.
Reason for selling;
Just got married.
Wife knows everything"
"Every time a democrat is right a unicorn is born." From www.freerepublic.com .
Actual Hand Written Sign on the Emergency Exit Door at the Coach House Restaurant in Brewer (adjacent to the bathrooms):
"This is an emergency exit fire door. If you use this door to leave, we will presume you are on fire..."
Gotta love locally owned businesses.
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates . Ahead of him is a guy
who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy , 'Who are you, so that I may know whether
or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? '
The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken
robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with
his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out,
'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and
wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a
silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept.
When he flew, people prayed.'
Obama saying his administration has spent less then his predecessors. Now thats funny. Who does this guy think he is kidding?
Real sign on a locally owned garden center with a take out food and ice cream stand in Dover Foxcroft: "Petting Zoo Open. Try Our Specialty Hot Dogs!"
Low-life cheatin' Republican??
*The Presidential election 2012 was too close to call. Neither Mitt Romney
nor Obama had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting,
court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the
sportsmanlike way to settle things.
The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.
It was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two
candidates to determine the winner.
After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would
take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Wisconsin .
There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out
separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for
counting and verification by a team of neutral parties.
At the end of the first day, Mitt Romney returned to the starting line and he had 10 fish.
Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having
a bad day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day Mitt came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.
That evening, the democrats got together secretly and said, "I think that Mitt Romney is a low-life,
cheatin' son-of-a-gun. Tomorrow don't bother fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'
The next night (after Mitt returns with 50 fish), the democrats got together for the report
of how the republicans were cheating.
Obama said, "You are not going to believe this, he's cutting holes in the ice!"
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two
men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to
eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the
lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have
a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and
said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
"You'll really love my place.
"The grass is almost a foot high.
A guy walks into a bar with his miniature horse. The puzzled but quick thinking bartender asks . . PUNCH LINE
A guy walks into a bar with his miniature horse. The puzzled but quick thinking bartender asks
Why are there more horses asses than there are horses?
Hopefully you can open this there are some great caricatures especially towards the end enjoy!
https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&pid=gmail&attid=0.1&thid=137b1fd99464...
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very
excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a
talk on salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30"
she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's
civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good", said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45
and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current
events." "Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her
breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a
box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you
selling?"
Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the
teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that
much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set
up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"
Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the
President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it
looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad
taste out of your mouth."
Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment. Bless his
little heart.
Bumper strip:
Pardon my Driving
-I'm Reloading-
charlie
President Obama walks into the Bank of America and says to a cashier, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States ."
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations and monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this check."
Cashier: "Look, this is what we can do. One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check."
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and served an ace directly into the center of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that
spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it
is you, and only you?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do or did."
Cashier: "That's good enough do you want large or small bills, Mr. President?"
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the little girl says.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's tail.
"Little partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
A respectable, well dressed, calm lady walked up to her pharmacist at the drug store and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist replied, "Why on earth would you want to buy some cyanide?" The lady replied, "To poison my husband." "Great Scott!" said the pharmacist, "You can't buy cyanide to poison your husband! I'll lose my license! We'll both get in trouble with the law and go to jail!" The calm woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and handed the photo to the pharmacist. He looked at it for a minute, and then said,"Well, this changes things. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Thanks to a friend on Facebook for the above.
HOW ADAM GOT EVE:
Nothing like a good Bible story to make your day.
Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, “What’s wrong with you?”
Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and it would be a woman.
He said “This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you have had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children. She will never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to care of them. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.”
Adam asked God “What will a woman like this cost?”
God replied “An arm and a leg.”
Then Adam asked “What can I get for a rib?”
Of course the rest is history………….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Clocks in Heaven...
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'
'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Do you have one for President Obama?' asked the man.
'Yes we do. Obama's clock is in Jesus' office........
He's using it as a ceiling fan.'
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President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.
"Walter," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Walter?"
"I have four questions:
First, why did the USA bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?
Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?
Fourth, why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume, Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
“Actually, I have two questions:
First, why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
Second, what happened to Walter?"