Maine Tourism Guide
This is an Oldie but Goodie which makes the e-rounds every year about this time. Just got it again and it is still funny:
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when New Yorkers and
Bostonians visit, the Maine Tourism Council will be handing out to each
person as they enter the Turnpike the following guide.
1. That slope-shouldered farm body did more work before breakfast than you
do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a "gravel road". No matter how slow you drive, you're going
to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive
it or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah,
we shot Bambi, we got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you
whipped...by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us when a
flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13 inch trout
you fish for - "bait".
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an Idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final
approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your
ear at the time.
8. That's right, Allen's Coffee Brandy is only a few bucks. We can buy a fifth for what
you paid in the Portland waterfront hotel for one drink.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu.
Order steak. Order it rare.
You can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
Order lobster and help our economy.
Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and
a long spoon.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over
11. So, you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We
have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use four weeks a year.
12. Let's get it straight. We have one stop light in town. We stop when
it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So,
you're a feminist - isn't that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat smelts and haddock. Your really want sushi and caviar?
It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it?
Interstate 95 goes two ways. Route 2 goes the other two. Pick one and use it
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious
holiday. You can get breakfast at 3 a.m. at the Masonic Lodge.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly.
Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks
19. That Officer, be it Conservation Officer, sheriff deputy, city police, or
Trooper pulled you over for driving like an idiot - his name is "Sir".
20. Our biggest city has a population of 65,000 and we like it that way.
Now stop causing a traffic jam and pull over to the shoulder to gawk at
21. If you think and vote like you do back home, thanks for dropping your
tourism cash into our economy but please do not think about moving here.