Susan Collins' Diary

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HOWARD ROARK
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Susan Collins' Diary

February 16, 2009

Dear Diary,

Today was one of my best days in Washington. Thanks to my vote to destroy the capitalist economic system, I finally got invited to some A-list parties. It's about time! Chellie is brand new and she was going to all the good bashes. The best I could get would be to accompany Joe Lieberman or Mike Michaud to events -- althugh the themes are interesting. I never went to a Useful Idiots Party in Maine. Such fun.

Olympia tells me if I play my cards right, I might even get to sit at Barney Frank's table during lunch.

Oly is so smart. She said the people in Maine don't matter because their memories are so short they won't hold it against you when reelection time comes. Besides, that impotent old man Merton Henry runs the Maine GOP and he'll see that the state party remains in his grip and no harm can come to us. Remember how the Maine State Convention let me speak my full time and then cut off Congressional candidates so they could give Mert an award at the luncheon?

Gee, life in DC wasn't this good under a Republican president.

More later, Diary. Time to run off to tea with Nancy Pelosi.

Susan

HOWARD ROARK
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Susan Collins' Diary

February 16, 2009

Hi, Diary!

Me again.

Just talked to a member of my staff. She's awfully glad today is a holiday from work for Presidents' Day. She said the phones last week drove them nuts. All these icky people complaining because I was going to vote with President Obama. Geez, give a girl a break.

Bill Cohen called and told me not to worry. He said he survived being a traitor to the GOP and Bill Clinton rewarded him by putting him in his Cabinet even.

I just can't figure out those Republicans. One even asked me why I'm a registered Republican. The answer is easy. If you're from The County you're either Canadian, John Martin or a Republican. It doesn't really mean anything, gosh!

Later Diary,

Silly Susan

HOWARD ROARK
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Susan Collins' Diary

February 16, 2009

Dear Diary,

Maine media are so easy!

I came back to Bangor for Presidents' Day so I could cut a ribbon for a dental clinic program. I got face time as the lead story on Channel 5 news talking about how nice it is to have social services like that and not once did they mention my votes in the Senate on the Obama socialism plan. And I wasn't even chased by probing news people asking me to explain myself!

Olympia said it gets easier the longer you warm the seat in Washington. Maine people are such sheep!

Later Diary,

Susan

Green-ee
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Susan Collins' Diary

Susan, it's more bearable reading your words than hearing them...

charlie neville
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Susan Collins' Diary

Did you read "The Fountainhead" HOWARD ROARK?

I suspect Any Rand would not take kindly to you using her protagonist's name in such a profane way!

charlie

Calvin
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Susan Collins' Diary

If you can't say anything good about somebody,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

You must be talking about HOS.
Hillary, Olympia or Susan.

HOWARD ROARK
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Susan Collins' Diary

February 17, 2009

Dear Diary,

Ray Richardson is such a nudge! That pest radio talk show host posted a question on that rightwing As Maine Goes asking why I voted to overturn the 1996 welfare reforms. But, golly, I didn't intentionally do that. I would have remembered a bill like that.

Oops! My bad. Hee, hee.

They didn't expect me to read the entire bill before I voted, did they? Gosh, people demand so much!

I just hope he doesn't go through the stimulus bill page by page and expect me to know what was in it when I voted yeah. I never read it. I had more important things to do. Besides, people I trust (who happen to be Democrats) told me I was doing it "for the children" and to help the less fortunate so it seemed like the right thing to do. I don't understand all this economics stuff and you don't have to be Einstein to sit in the United States Senate.

You know how on the presidential election maps the TV networks use blue for Democrat and red for Republican? Remember how I used to be known as "The Lady in Red"? Well, I've been wearing a blue dress suit on TV for the past six months and nobody in the Maine GOP has noticed! Such sheep.

Later,

Silly Susan

HOWARD ROARK
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Susan Collins' Diary

February 17, 2009

Dear Diary,

It's so nice how the Senate is the warm little club and members care so much for each other.

This morning Dick Shelby from Alabama passed me in the hallway and shouted, "Wake up, Susan, and smell the pork!"

Well, I was rather drowsy and thought that a good idea. So I went down to the cafeteria and had a cup of coffee with a sausage sandwich. I feel so much better now.

Senator Shelby must really care about my health because he shouted it in a harsh tone of voice.

Memo to myself: check TV image. I must look physically dreadful because lots of constituents are calling and telling me to wake up and smell the pork too.

Bye for now, Diary.

Susan

Punk
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Susan Collins' Diary

This thread is full of WIN. :lol:

Any older diary entries from days long past?

HOWARD ROARK
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Susan Collins' Diary

February 17, 2009

Dear Diary,

Gee, am I mad. I can't get any respect.

Republicans are attacking me for voting for the stimulus plan and now a Democrat is attacking me for trying to be bipartisan.

Steney Hoyer, that Democrat Congressman from Maryland, mocked me to a reporter and actually said "bipartisanship does not mean going out for drinks after the final gavel comes down.” Can you imagine?

Just when I thought I was finally becoming a relevant member of The Club, they're trying to freeze me out. I feel so alone, Diary. I have so little in common with Republicans and now Democrats tell me I don't matter. Sob!

Later, Diary.

Silly Susan

Islander
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Susan Collins' Diary

Howard, great stuff and probably not far from the truth. Sure made me and the missus laugh

Green-ee
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Susan Collins' Diary

Me 2. Laughter beats the heck out of tears.

Beth O'Connor
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Susan Collins' Diary

[quote="charlie neville"]Did you read "The Fountainhead" HOWARD ROARK?

I suspect Any Rand would not take kindly to you using her protagonist's name in such a profane way!

charlie[/quote]

On the contrary I think Ayn Rand would appreciate any recognition of her works and characters to ensure they live on!

HOWARD ROARK
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Susan Collins' Diary

Dear Diary,

Wasn't President Obama nice to post that photo of the two of us together on his White House web site? I think I looked pretty good in the white suit. I'm getting all tingly looking at the picture as I listen to my Paul McCartney CD of him singing "Ebony and Ivory."

I haven't felt this good about the White House since I bucked Republicans and joined Olympia in opposing Clinton's impeachment. Maine Republicans are such sheep, I got a free pass on that one too!

Later,

Susan

Andrew Ian Dodge
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Susan Collins' Diary

HR: This is worthy of an English satirical magazine called Private Eye.

Mike G
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Susan Collins' Diary

Howard Txs I laughed, I cried

Bob Stone
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Susan Collins' Diary

Howard, I hope Senator Collins continues to send you here entries. They are delightful.

HOWARD ROARK
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Susan Collins' Diary

Dear Diary,

You ever get the feeling you're the girl who gets invited to the dance and then sits on the sidelines all night while the guy that brought you dances with all the other girls? Bummer.

Well, that's how I feel this morning. Now that they got my vote, the Democrats have left me on the sidelines.

Did you see all the people surrounding President Obama yesterday as he signed the stimulus act? Did you see me? No!

Did you see how he used a different pen for each letter of his name? Did I get one for my memory chest? No!

Olympia was a wallflower on this one, too. She's really teed because she figured she's Madam Queen now. Even Rachel Maddow hasn't asked her onto her show.

At least Diane Feinstein can go home to a big city of fancy restaurants full of prosperous dot.com entrepreneurs. All I've got to go home to are baked bean suppers in East Millinocket with laid off millworkers. I thought voting with the Democrats would bring me into their social circles.

And worse, dear Diary, is that I'm not getting invites from GOP groups. Even John Frary -- after losing for heaven's sake! -- gets invited to speak to Lincoln Day Dinners in Maine.

I'm going to have a hissy-fit and then sulk for the rest of the day. Arlen better not approach me with any more of his lamebrain schemes today, 'cuz I'll bite his head off.

Later,

Silly Susan

The Distributist
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Susan Collins' Diary

If it hasn't already been done, it is time to send a compilation of these brilliant pieces of satire to Silly Susan.
Perhaps if she received it a hundred times she might read them.

Melvin Udall
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Susan Collins' Diary

It seems many of her "lines of communication" have been shut off.

Melvin Udall
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Susan Collins' Diary

Dear Diary:

I was walking through the Capitol when Harry Reid came out of the Executive Washroom and our eyes met.

I said I was hurt by the lack of gratitude shown by his caucus since I voted for the stimulus bill.

The Senator replied "sure, but what have you done for us lately?"

One night stands are one thing, but do I have to suffer a "one bill stand?"

It's enough to make a girl open up a bottle of Maine Potato Wine right here in her office!

Later, diary.

I've got to go file the heels round on the new pair of "sensible statist" Gucci flats that came in the mail yesterday.

Susan

HOWARD ROARK
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Susan Collins' Diary

Dear Diary,

How I wish I could claim my votes are a case of mistaken identity! Alas, I can't.

But when somebody asked if taxpayers were financing my trip to Kuwait to teach dowsing, I didn't know what they're talking about. Seems there is another Susan Collins. She's a Canadian. And, in late-April, she really is teaching dowsing in Kuwait! [url]http://www.dowser.ca/[/url]

Wow! Maybe I can find stimulus funds for a stunt like that in Maine!

Later,

Silly Susan

bryce
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Susan Collins' Diary

Reminds me of the "Dear Rusty" column in National Review back when WJC was president.

HOWARD ROARK
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Susan Collins' Diary

Dear Diary,

Olympia is so smart.

Today she was in South Paris visiting the unemployed.

She says the way the Maine economy works, you don't have to waste time chatting with all those bitter people who work hard and pay taxes. She says one can have a good political career pandering to the unemployed. After all, the Democrats control Maine and they've done it for years.

I can learn a lot from Oly.

Later, Diary,

Susan

Swampy
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Susan Collins' Diary

Now that one is an entry for the ages! :-D :-D

Paul Barrieau
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Susan Collins' Diary

Dear Susan,

Where are you?

Why are you not speaking to me?

What's the matter now?
Don't lock yourself up. You always do that whenever you're blue (or is that red)?
Don't push me out of your life. I miss you.

Susan?
[size=18]Susan?[/size]
[size=24]Susan?[/size]

Later (I hope)

Your Diary

HOWARD ROARK
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Susan Collins' Diary

Dear Diary,

I'm exhausted! What a week this has been.

The Senate is off and I'm back in Maine doing the runny eggs and rubber chicken circuit trying to explain my vote. They're so nice in Maine. Such Pavlovian dogs: All I have to do is dangle a few federal dollars in front of a bunch of town officials and they salivate.

And there hasn't been a protest anywhere I've gone, so this will blow over by election time. Olympia taught me that she always votes with the Democrats in the first five years of a term and then talks like a Republican in the final year leading up to election.

But those darn Democrats. Now they want more stimulus bills later in the year. Well, after all the crap I've taken over the vote last week, they'll have to offer me something really good for my vote. Let's see, they've already put up Tom Allen against me. Who do they have left who is scary enough that we can blackmail Republicans that I'm the lesser of two evils?

Note to self: find out how many keys there are to this diary lock. I think somebody is taking a peek at this and passing it around.

Later,

Susan

HOWARD ROARK
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Susan Collins' Diary

Dear Diary,

Wasn't it nice of the Sunday paper to write a sweetheart story about my Chief of Staff Steve Abbott? It made him sound like the second coming.

I'm especially excited because Maine Republicans are so asleep at the switch that even Ray Richradson praised Steve on As Maine Goes! I guess they'll overlook that Steve runs my office and runs my campaigns; so, it's obvious he doesn't think differently than I do. And he also worked for Olympia and Bill Cohen. That's a Triple Play and those rightwingers are missing it.

That's what is so nice about Maine politics: they put us in office and then complain when it's too late that we're in bed with the Democrats more than we are with the Republicans. And, by praising him, they make him a viable candidate while the Portland mpaper doesn't even mention people like Mayor LaPage in the list of others running. Sweet!

Besides, Steve went to Harvard which makes him really in tune with Maine people - at least the ones who count in Portland.

Later,

Susan

HOWARD ROARK
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Susan Collins' Diary

Dear Diary,

I've got to turn on a fan to cool off! I'm still flushed from a 24 hour Obamagasm.

Yesterday, Barack actually called on me by my first name to report on my breakout group during his Stimulus Summit. George Bush never kow-towed to me like that!

And today the Democrats saw to it that I got face time on C-SPAN telling the chamber that I think it only fair that residents of the District of Columbia should have votes in the U.S. House of Representatives. GOP leadership never gave me such deference.

So what if Republicans get screwed? Isn't it nice to be nice?

Later, Diary,

Silly Susan

HOWARD ROARK
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Susan Collins' Diary

Dear Diary,

I'm in a real hissy-fit this morning. What an insult the official Republcan response to the President hurled at me and Olympia and Arlen.

That upstart Louisiana Governor Bobby Lindal got the chance to give the official Republican response and what did he say? Listen to this:

"You elected Republicans to champion limited government, fiscal discipline, and personal responsibility. Instead, Republicans went along with earmarks and big government spending in Washington. Republicans lost your trust - and rightly so."

Gee. Who could he be talking about when Oly, Arlen and I were the only ones who voted with the Democrats?

That's okay. At least back home in Maine most Republicans are like us. They just bend over and hold their ankles and let the Democrats have their way with them. Baa baa, sheep!

Later, Diary,

Susan

Islander
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Susan Collins' Diary

Great stuff Howard, hope you keep them coming!

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